I Love the Suffer

I've been stricken to contemplation. Over the past couple of weeks I've been hearing the song, "Love the way you lie," by Eminem Feat. Rhianna being played on the radio. The tone of the melody struck sharply a chord within me. A painfully tragic love story. I may not have a complete understanding to truly know the sincerity of such pain expressed within the lyrics, but I do know of the suffering endured. I am not absolutely sure that I have ever truly been "in love." Unrequited, and an illusionary manifestation of love created for my own demise. Simply put, a remarkable human experience I am unworthy of and destined to never truly know. It is not my heart I wear on my sleeve, it is the heartbreak. I am drawn to the torment. It is the unrelenting torture that I endure that truly provides me with the sensations of the living. Forever I will pay my penance with a life unfulfilled. Pain will be my only refuge in escape from the comfortably familiar arms of apathy. I want to feel, so I love the suffer.

Meant For Goodbyes

The other night I had a totally random and peculiar dream. I really don't know what it meant, nor do I read into it at its face value, however, what I do know is that the inner workings of my brainial cavity sprung into life. The screeching sounds of the rusted metal cogs echoed endlessly in the vast void taking up residence between my ears.
About said dream. It wasn't anything really spectacular, out of the ordinary, nor was it disturbing in any way. It was simply a straight forward story that unfolded just as one of those awkward "boy meets girl" Hollywood vomit films might. The one random variable of this story was the particular "girl" who played the leading female role of this "dream film." A blast from the past who we will just call, "Lilly." So, in this dream......I was talking with a guy friend, whom I really don't know, nor have ever seen before. He is introducing me to his wife, Lilly. They have two children, and a seemingly happy marriage. My friend has no idea I knew Lilly, which makes our introduction quite awkward, yet pleasantly surprising. Okay, so I don't recall exactly how the dream concluded, but that really doesn't matter so much. This is the jump off where the thoughts and or questions began materializing within my mind-dome.
About Lilly. Lilly is someone I met probably twelve or thirteen years ago. Wow, typing that all out makes me feel quite old. She had left a significant imprint in my life during that time. Anyhow, I probably haven't seen her for about nine or ten of those years. We've sort of kept in touch through online messages, emails, etc. here and there over the course of these years, basically just updating our lives in under 150 characters. We continue to talk, but paths no longer cross. I don't expect anything from her, much like I might have in the beginning. I believe we've both conceded the point at one time or another that in a different time, place, and or circumstance our relationship might have diverted down another path. One I know I had hoped for. However, I believe now that not to be the case. Lilly and I were always meant for a goodbye. Her curiosities of my life and well being are, and have always been one of waning interest. I will always wonder what paths she will be lead down.
I am perplexed as to the how and why this seemingly insignificant and rather brief whirlwind of circumstance produced more of an imprint in my life than did an eight year relationship with a girl that I was supposed to love. That moment in my time line is one that I'll always remember. Those are the moments you hope to fill your life with as to look back upon at the end. I certainly hope I find more of those so that I may erase the years I've wasted.
In the end, despite what anyone says, Lilly included, love/like will always be unrequited. Whether it be in a dream or waking life, whatever will be, will be...

*I think I had forgotten by the end of this post where I was going with it. Certainly, if I recall anything else, I will add it later.

Whatever works

I knock on the door.

A woman answers. As she opens the door, she immediately raises her hand, her index finger reaches upward, pressing firmly on the doorbell attached to the door.

(The doorbell rings.)

She turns to me with an insolent look and says, "Yep, it works."

"So does knocking." I tell her. "You opened the door, did you not?"

I am a Ghost

I am an invisible specter that exists in an unfamiliar world. I am not truly seen or heard. I do not fit in nor have I ever felt a true sense of belonging to anything, family or friends. Now I've made many friends that I like and for the most part favor me as well, I only assume. Also, I do have a family that I believe loves me. However, I seem unable to truly internalize those feelings in a rational way. My evolution internally, has been one of isolation and indifference. Everyday it seems as though I am losing touch with this world, insanely hoping that I can find my way back to the one of which I belong. Stuck between to worlds/times or just mentally unhinged?
Juxtaposed the chaos swirling in my head is the dead calm that is my waking life. I suppose the unrest which consumes my mind can only be balanced and or rationalized through the tediously mundane rituals that I engage in. The control that I wield can only be measured through the daily routines that I keep. I believe it's my way of sanitizing the unruly nature of my inner being. What I am, or what I perceive myself to be isn't what I allow others to view. I am strange. I am weird. I am warped. I am an acquired taste. All of which tend to off put others. If I am allowed to be myself, I will truly be ostracized. I will truly be alone.
I really am not sure where I am going with this particular posting. As I write, my mind continuously self edits. I am lured off onto tangents. My mind races in a cluster fuck of ideas and or rationalizations as to my current state of being. What I do know is that I am disengaged with a world that is feverishly slipping away from me. I am lost in my own mind. I am paralyzed by my own fears. I am losing hope that I will ever make lasting memories. I will be forgotten. I will be forever be a ghost.